Eros Necropsique
Crises De Lucidité
3.3
Ah, and finally this. My last review of 2003, the year I became a staff-infection at MetalReview. What can one say about the last five months? Corpsepyre ist Krieg. How fitting it is, then, that upon such an auspicious occasion I would find myself faced with the worst record of the year? The perfect ending to a delightful annum filled with debt, death, sickness and woe. And, if their weren't enough misery to confound the wretched excuse that is my humble self already, the record is French.
Now, I have always abstained from belittling our Franco/Norman brothers and sisters. Not one to jump on the anti-froggish bandwagon, I defended France in the face of no little criticism. After all, without them we out west would be paying grievous land taxes to some Spanish monarch while the rest of you would be bitching about the inflated price of tea. Their revolution was nice and gory, they have lovely cheese, and their accents, when delivered in the voices of young ladies, are downright erotic. When the people we voted to lead us decided to change French fries to FREEDOM fries I laughed a hearty laugh at the childish shenanigans, and when the surrender jokes made their way around the office I just thought how funny that would have sounded to someone staring down the barrel of a Panzer Mk. IV's 5 mm cannon while holding a pistol.
Alas, mon amies, our snailavorous comrades have gone too far. They produced Eros Necropsique. I must bid a fond adieu to any semblance of respect or tolerance for a country whose populace could at any point turn out people capable of this kind of reckless artistic buttwiping. Yes, the very same people who heeded our cry for freedom have, at last, earned the disdain we so whiningly applied to them.
I know what you are thinking. How can this be worse than Corpsepyre? Well, I'll tell you a little secret about heavy metal. It's all about intent. Corpsepyre, without a trace of ability or talent or money, gave it everything they had. And failed. Eros gave it everything they had. And succeeded. But what they succeeded at is the most vomit inducing slab of pretense and silliness I have come across in a long time; Certainly this year. The fact that this is well produced and recorded, with some decent musicianship only serves to drive home the fact that this band WANTED to sound like this. They intended to be utterly void of anything compelling or vibrant. And then they submitted this record to a heavy metal site for review.
How best to describe it? This is how I put it for my dear friend DIESEL:
"Imagine a bad movie soundtrack narrated by some over emoting frenchman in a striped shirt and chapeau with a thin mustache and a cigarette, occasionally relieved by hooting ninnies and the minstrels that were eaten by King Arthur's knights in the Holy Grail."
That about sums it up, yeah. There are occasional heavy guitars embedded in the backgound, but there are in almost every song in the world these days. It doesn't make it metal. In fact it really illustrates how unmetal this project is. The musicianship is adequate I suppose. I am not really up on my lute playing, you know? It's not as though there are any serious fuckups, though. I just don't care. It might have been better with some. The one positive is that it is sung in French, so at least I can't tell you how idiotic the lyrics are.
The production is clean and presents whatever the fuck this is supposed to be very well. But again, so what?
Bottom line: There is no reason at all for a metal lover to look into this shit. It's not even car crash interesting. It is simply useless. I would not only unrecommend this, I would adjure you to write letters of protest to Adipocere records for signing bands like this. And maybe some to the German consulate to see if they have any idle Messerschmidt's lying around... I will be sacrificing this disc to Cthulhu.
