What Evil Have They Summoned
posted on 9/2010 By:
Husband and wife combos in metal are pretty scarce. The only quality one of note I can think of was Peccatum (Emperor’s Ihsahn and wife Ihriel). So even as soulmates and sharing interests, I don’t ever see myself forming a death metal band with my wife. I want ‘my’ territory, ‘my’ interests outside of our shared interests. So here’s how I envision the conversation between Billy Nocera and wife Vanessa Nocera:
Vanessa: Billy, I wanna be in a death metal band with you. I’ve got some friends that work for Razorback Records that will get us a record deal.
Billy: Yeah, I know from Loathsome right? Why don’t you just focus on that band?
Vanessa: But I wanna do something with you honey. We never do anything together anymore. We should do something together.
Billy: Errr, what about bowling, then Ryan’s buffet last week, we did that together.
Vanessa: That doesn’t count, we had to take Uncle Dennis out after his accident, you know he can’t get that wheelchair up the ramp at Ryans by himself. C’mon pleeeeeeease can we be in a band together?
Billy: Ugh. God. OK, OK. What will we sound like?
Vanessa: I wanna do old school, rough and raw sloppy stuff.
Billy: Like our sex?
Vanessa: Ew. Stop playing around. I mean the old school stuff is popular right now. We play a bunch of down-tuned mid tempo stuff and sing about zombies and gore and stuff. And Razorback is releasing a shit load of that stuff recently. Ill play the bass and guitar, you just growl and stuff.
Billy: Really, that’s all you need me for is the vocals? Who’s playing drums?
Vanessa: Oh, I’ll get anyone to play it. It’s gonna be simple as shit. What your buddy Electrocutioner is doing for the next 6 hours - that’s all we'll need.
Billy: He’s busy drumming for Encoffination, Beyond Hell and Decrepitaph, who I think we are sorta ripping off by the way, but I bet he can squeeze us in, this material is easy as fuck - when did you write this - back in 1989 when we were dating?
Vanessa: Yeah, I was listening to some Autopsy and old Death.
Billy: Yeah, but neither you or I are as talented - how are we going to pull this off?
Vanessa: First off, it’s on Razorback so any old death metal meats head onto cartoony covers will buy this. Second we’ll have some really retro stuff like spooky intros and instrumentals. Then we will have song titles like “Demonic Infestation,” “Nocturnal Bloodbath” and “Diabolical Metamorphosis.” Awesome right?
Billy: Whatever. Let's just get it done, I’ve got a fantasy football draft tonight.
Vanessa: Yay! Oh and can I do a cover of DC LaCroix’s “Devils Song," that would be cult and quirky? I wanna sing some clean vocals.
Billy: But your voice sounds like a drowning ferret. That’s a bad Idea.
Vanessa: Pleeeeeeeeeeeese? I’ll do my Tina Fey impression tonight in bed.
Billy: No finger in my butt this time though OK?
So yeah, not trying to be a dick here, but trying to have fun with an incredibly generic and boring record from Scaremaker who look like they are a nice couple and all and might have a sense of humor. But as a band, there simply isn't anything here of note, even for the suddenly popular genre. I'll stick to the Cardiac Arrest CD.
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