Lutece
...And Ancestors Still Remain
2.4
Synopsis:
Ever walk into a bar (or strip club I guess), and see the absolute physical personification of perfection? I mean your literal nirvana of the opposite sex? For me that would mean and walking in and seeing a curvaceous, thick limbed, round assed blond with big blue eyes and cleavage I could park a Harley in (yeah, I’m kinda shallow like that). However, when said icon of perfection opens her mouth she sounds like Fran Drescher raping Gilbert Gottfreid with a 14 inch strap on.
Review:
That’s the case with Lutece; tantalizing brilliant cover art, French/Irish pagan metal lineage, Romanic moniker (Lutece is the Roman name for what is now Paris), cool CD inlay art, cool logo and song titles like “Echoes of Battlefield”, “Storm From Golden Hall”, “Blood Pride” and “Raise Victory”. All those elements had me ready for a Folkearth like foray into pagan/battle metal, and heck when the opening battle sample of “Echoes of Battlefield” started, the blood started pumping and I grabbed my sword….
And then Lutece opened their mouth….
Folks, I LOVE pagan/Viking metal, but as soon as the horridly programmed drums started in the atmospheric opener, my sword dropped quicker than my pecker after my father in law to be walked in on me nailing his daughter in the ass-this is B-A-D, Bad.
The Irish/French duo of Denosdrakkh (all instruments) and Hesgaroth (vocals) are simply awful. In what could have been a Folkearth like international collaboration, Lutece have delivered arguably one of the worst attempts at pagan/Viking/folk metal I have ever heard. Of course the really badly programmed drums don’t really help, but throw in just god awful musicianship, vocals and songs and the end result is almost laughably bad.
I really can’t even explain it in words-this literally sounds like two dudes got drunk, watched Braveheart, busted out a Casio and a portable Walmart guitar/amp set and went to town. The hokey programmed atmospherics and ambient folk elements are fourth rate, the riffs are scratchy and scrawling with amateurish jumps and misfires. I hate to be so mean to two guys that somehow finagled a record deal and put some modicum of effort and heartfelt pagan pride into ..And Ancestors Still Remains, but for the love of pete, have some talent or skill, or maybe practice a little more before heading to the recording studio the next time, okay?
