Hell On Earth Part I (DVD Re-Issue)
posted on 4/2006 By:
This is a Manowar DVD that’s been out for a really long time.
That’s right, not only am I reviewing yet another Manowar DVD, but I’m reviewing a DVD that was originally released on VHS 6 years ago. As some of our more astute, long-time readers might have noticed, this particular DVD has sat “in queue” here for so long, you’d think it was a smallpox-infested blanket. If that is indeed the case, then fare thee well, gentle readers. Please allow me to take this opportunity to make a request as far as the disposal of my corpse is concerned:
The preparations for how I'd like my remains to be dealt with will take quite some time, so it’s important you pay close attention to my slow collapse. At the onset of the early signs of the disease, mapping and construction of the Trebuchet (Catapult) should begin. I will undoubtedly be continually complaining of flu-like symptoms in the early stages. I may try and convince friends and family that I have a sinus infection, but you, dear readers, will know the grisly truth. It is crucial that the construction of the Trebuchet begin during the early symptoms, as the task at hand will be quite time consuming. As an interesting side note; the word “Trebuchet” comes from the French word “trabucher”, meaning “to overturn or fall”, which is probably referring to the pivoting beam that is a key element to the construction of the machine. Although aficionados of medieval weaponry often use the term “Trebuchet”, I will choose to use the term “Catapult” for the remainder of this entry. I have made this decision because the word “Catapult” much closer defines exactly how I wish my body to be disposed of. Catapult comes from the Latin word “catapulta”, which itself is derived from the Greek word “katapeltes” – “kata” meaning “against”, and “pallein” meaning “to hurl or cast” – a much more fitting definition as far as my requiem is concerned. I will soon be complaining of muscle and joint pain, often times whining as to “why the fuck this is happening to me…I got a fucking flu shot, and I’ve had the fucking flu for weeks now!”. Hopefully by this time the construction of the Catapult will be nearing completion. You will then begin seeing me continually grasping at my midsection and saying things like “fuck! Ouch! What the hell is this now!?!? Do I have appendicitis or some shit???”. This, of course, will be due to the early stages of internal organ inflammation, a truly entertaining stage of the smallpox disease. Now will be the time to wheel the Catapult to Ozzy’s “castle” in L.A.- during the cover of night - as my demise is in near sight. Much to the chagrin of my family, and especially my girlfriend, my skin will soon be erupting with open sores. I will be at my most vulnerable state at this juncture. I’ll likely be babbling nonsensically, and often blacking out. My reviews will either take a sharp downturn, or become amazingly brilliant, although it won’t really matter because in my fevered condition I will only have the sense to choose metalcore to review. This is the perfect time to slip a potato sack over my head and transport me to the launching site. The next morning, be sure to have the person chosen as “launcher” to have every inch of their body covered, as my now poxed skin will be highly contagious. I will die very quickly that morning from obvious complications resulting from my bursting organs. It is at this precise moment when my body should be flung into the Osbourne compound. Because of Ozzy’s inhuman immune system, he will have no problem fighting off the vicious contagion…Sharon, however…well, lets just say the metal community will no longer suffer the embarrassment of another miserably offensive Ozzfest…
In closing, Hell On Earth Part. 1 has probably long since been in any true Manowar fan’s collection, and quite deservedly so! It does an excellent job of showing fans exactly what life is like for a member of this longstanding power metal band. We get to see Joey DeMaio make out with a ton of strippers – some cute, some horrendous, and all of them topless. We get to see Karl Logan basically be quiet and sneak around in the background (unless he’s on stage during a lengthy Manowar guitar shredding moment). We get to see Eric Adams goof around and talk in a very New Jersey-esque accent. And we get to see just how much I’d like to drink 1,000 beers with king-ripper/drummer, Scott Columbus. There’s a shitload of excellent, candid moments with the band off stage, and there’s some really nice footage of the band playing live, especially in Milan, Italy. The sound is excellent (by God Eric Adams’ voice is fucking fantastic), and the overall production of the DVD is excellent as well. Like I said, any true Manowar fan probably already owns this, and bastards that love to “playa-hate” the boys, well… “YOU-ARE-NOT-MY-FRIEND…Heavy metal!! Or no metal at all! Wimps and posers? LEAVE the hall!!!”
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