Alston
Voodoo For Fun And Profit
4.4
Plainly put, Alston is some band trying to get famous by getting notable producers, a deal with a professional label that's seemingly more concerned with image than with music, and continually reminding us that a member of the now-defunct band Primer 55 is in the lineup, despite the fact that they never had much of a following anyhow. It's always beautiful when you read a band's biography, only to realize that they're summated into the entire opposite of what they actually are.
"This is one band that boldly breaks the cookie-cutter mold that seems to too often characterize the 21st Century music scene. These guys will "zig" when you expect them to "zag" and they'll gladly turn the most conventional hard rock cliche into something as exciting and unexpected as tomorrow's news."
Lies, all lies. Predictable as it is impotent, Alston gimps around like a handicapped puppy covered in open sores.
When he's not trying to emulate Anthony Kiedis, Alston's vocalist churns out some sugary harmonies placed over resonant chords which lead into dreamy melodies and competent guitar solos. While "Recon Seed" starts the album with a decent dose of modern radio-rock, "Anna" is a despicable song that only a band like Dishwalla could be capable of matching in terms of pure shittiness. Rhythmic vocals over the verses and wretched singing over the chorus and an irritating bridge top off this lesson in self-involved crapulence. I'm left absolutely livid and furious after hearing this song.
I began with a positive outlook on this record, I really did. But that quickly turned sour.
Have you ever met someone who still says "party like a rock star", or something to that effect? This abominable phrase is still used today amongst knife-holding and back-patting coworkers and secretly lecherous managers. In fact, if the entire phrase of "rock star" hasn't already been worn out and used to the point where it's become scoffable, Alston's song, titled "Rock Star", hopefully kills the phrase once and for all, driving it further into the realm of things people just don't say anymore. There are flakey rock solos, and fadeout feedback leads into "Ordinary", which is just as bad as "Anna". Dopey production and forgettable acoustic strumming kick things off into a sappy shitfest that makes me long for the poetry of fourteen year old girls, which would frankly be a relief. "A Gold Guitar" belongs on the local bullshit station that takes turns alternating between Staind and old AC/DC songs. It's complete with a brainless "rap" inserted right in the middle of the song. Formulaic, castrated, and repugnant, Alston are everything that's wrong with modern rock.
Do you remember nap-time
Did it call your name?
And when you hold a new love,
Can you hear the old love scream?
And I remember breathing,
Feeling full and free
Do you remember orange freezes?
Do you remember me?
I don't know why this was sent to us, and I really don't care. What Alston have produced in cooperation with Repossession Records is astonishingly embarrassing. This is lukewarm, flavorless, and easily disregarded - comparable to Nickelback. Both this band and company should be ashamed of themselves for creating something so unabashedly geared for radio-stardom with one-hit-wonder potential and even a cover of a well-known and well-liked song ("Rebel Yell"). It's absolutely terrible. If anyone reading this knows these guys, beg them to stop what they're doing immediately. I've heard better music come from P.O.D.
