Spellgate
Exodus
2.4
A story: a few years ago, I actually drummed up enough courage to attend a Renaissance festival. Despite the horror of being surrounded by men in tights sporting their bulbous loins and fake English accents, I found the people’s dedication to their cause to be amusing. On one stage there was a band called Elvensong, and they dressed like elves and goblins and jigged around on stage with a fervor that could only be the result of 20 years of basement dwelling and role playing games. I truly thought it was one of the most horrific fantasy inspired excuses for music that I'd ever heard, until now:
The product of 2 Renn Faire obsessed Canadians, Spellgate is a laughably bad offering that even a hardened fantasy metal buff like me can smirk at.
With as much musical impact as a Disney Film score, Spellgate’s entirely computer generated sound track has only one redeeming feature; Doshalia Trevni’s acceptably Elvin voice, who is wasted on this husband/wife basement project. Often nauseatingly bad, Spellgate’s ill advised programmed noise clashes horribly with Trevni’s ethereal voice and the end result sounds like NIN trying their hand at covering Bal-Sagoth. The programmed guitars and drums are barely audible over the overbearing synths and electronic sounding orchestration. Flutes and horns played on a Yamaha X-110 keyboard do not sound particularly realistic or epic - my 4 year old daughter can make the same noise on her Fisher Price keyboard.
The cringe worthy noise goes on and on for 52 painful minutes, and frankly I wanted to give it a chance, but after the fantasy, pop jig of “Najaeti Star”, I actually laughed out loud at the completely and mercilessly bad material.
Of course the album is a concept piece based upon far away lands that apparently own crappy keyboards and no personality, Exodus is only remotely acceptable when Darynlard (his D & D name? )Trevni is tinkering away to back his wife’s singing with no guitars or percussion to (“The Haunting”, “Kyrutes Song”, “Heroes to Be”) to ruin the Mortiis like attempt and fantasy atmospherics. His wife’s voice is adequate, but totally ruined whenever backed by the Commodore 64 sound FX and soundtrack. When attempting sort or warlike drama (“Day of Defeat”), the actual affect is so thin, characterless and ear piercingly bad, I considered a mouth piece to stop my teeth grinding to dust. I’ve truly, truly never heard stuff quite this bad that wants to be so serious.
Of course, what would any fantasy album be without whirring, buzzing cybernetic FX to bolster the dragon and maidens theme, as heard on “The Premonition”? I’ve got a premonition for you…you must never record another album ever, ever again. Throw in the spoken word tale telling of “Heroes to Be” (is that a Braveheart rip off?), and the album is truly in the can.
The ten minute “Steel, Flame and Glory” seals the deal as I giggle incoherently and my stomach is in knots. I’m never one to ream a band, cos lord knows I could never lay anything down on plastic, as I have neither the talent nor skill to do so, but neither do Spellgate and here they are with I nice digipack album. What a cruel world.
I plead you to avoid this like The Black Death itself.
